Thursday, February 19, 2009

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...The Cha Cha Slide (Part 2)


Junior High was the first time I encountered what is known as the "school dance." And it was GREAT (sarcasm). In seventh grade, I was about 4'3" and I could dance just about like Andrew W.K. So, it is only natural that I felt mildly awkward. Especially that first dance. As i stared up into the my dates eyes, the song quickly shifted from the r&b stylings of K-C and Jo-Jo to a rapper's voice. He announced the change of the evening. He announced that we were about to hear something new. Something called...The Casper Slide Part Two which featured the Platinum Band. Naturally, I was racked with apprehensive, but the speaker quickly announced that this time, we were indeed going to get funky.

And now a side note: The song is actually not called The Casper Slide (Part Two). Imagine the confusion that could cause. Also, the Platinum Band, when search in google, on recieves results for this song and wedding bands. Go figure.

The photo on the left is a picture of DJ Casper, also known as Mr. C The Slide King, but whose real name is Willie Perry. I can only assume that is his wife. But it could be one of "his hoes."

Back to my story. The song comes on and sets up a beat that the whole room must abide by. So we begin to cha-cha, naturally. Then the commands are shouted out: "To the left!" So the crowd, now a living breathing single organism, moves to the left. "Take it back now y'all." And we indeed, take it back now, y'all. This was great, especially for the self esteem of a 12 year old white boy who now knows that he can dance to any rap song, simply by following the rules laid out in the Cha Cha Slide.

This song was junior high. By the time High School rolls around, it loses it punch. It is replaced by Ric Silver's ever popular "Electric Slide." The opening chords that once struck joy in this boys heart now only evoke a weariness through the realization that he will have to Charlie Brown, Reverse, and Cha-Cha in the span of 3 minutes. This song, at one time, was a blessing, but it cannot withstand the test of time. It is due to this, that i give the Cha Cha Slide (Part 2) a:


Cha-Cha now y'all.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Toilets are a marvelous invention. Seriously. Can you think of any other invention that makes things that we don't want to see disappear? I can't! I really wish I could though. Items like "the roommate remover" and "the angry ex-wife remover" would sell like hot cakes. Come to think of it, the only thing that works as effectively as the toilet is the mafia, and I do not want Eddie the Clamps to have his own exclusive room in my house. The review should be over at this point. But it isn't.

The second greatest part of toilets are the wonderful ideas that pop into your head while taking advantage of the first part i mentioned. It is hard to imagine how anything was invented before the toilet due to its magical bestowal of knowledge it gives it user.

The bathroom is also the only private room of your house, most of the time. Do you have company that you really don't want to hang out with(Eddie the Clamps, for example). Then you can go hide out in the bathroom and think of ways to get rid of him. It even works with annoying phone calls.

And lastly, toilets are everywhere. Conventionally, a toilet is composed of a porcelain bowl and some sort of plumbing system. But, as was demonstrated this weekend in Nashville, you can make your own toilet. All you need is a working urinary system and some inanimate object, like a brick wall!*

So, here is to the John! We are all kings (or queens) when we are sitting on the porcelain throne!

And that is why i give the toilet an A+

*Living objects can work, but you must taking caution. Trees, for example, make great toilets. Cats do not.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


So, this is my blog. Welcome. To kick things off, i would like to review something that has become pretty commonplace in society: automobiles. Not any specific car, just cars in general. And i will go ahead and give you the grade I give cars


Transportation is important, i know that. I technically live 150 miles away from were i am currently sitting. Transportation is REALLY important. But cars really don't cut it when it comes to getting you places.

The basic fact is that the automobile is a product of its time. The car was first made sometime between 6000 BC and 2500 BC, as seen here:

Now this is a very basic car. Notice the lack of an engine. This mode of transportation was accomplished by the owner, and sometimes passengers, would pedal their feet wildly until the vehicle would move. This was wildly inefficient, but continued to be a popular mode of transportation until the early 1800s when it was replaced by the wildly popular bicycle (which receives a rating of A-).

The vehicle began to pick up steam, ironically, only when it was gasoline driven. This shift took place in 1870 when Austrian inventor Siegfried Marcus put a internal combustion system into a hand cart, making gas prices rise all over Vienna. In 1902, The Cadillac company was running an assembly line and making gas driven cars by the thousands. That's great and all, I am glad for Henry Ford. But, at the same time 2 brothers from Dayton, Ohio had just learned to fly (POP QUIZ: Do you know who else is from Dayton, OH?).** So where do cars fit in? We have bikes (A-) and airplanes (A+) and the reject of transportation, the car. If you want to go downtown - bike. If you want to go to Dayton, OH, take a plane (or change your plans, seriously. It's Dayton, OH).

So, without further history, here are my complaints with automobiles:

  • Price: Not only do you have to pay beaucoups of cash to get one of these pieces of ancient history, you also have to buy gas all the time.
  • Reliability: Cars are moody. They have gauges to let you know when its too cold or too hot. And if they get uncomfortable from being too hot, they won't start.
  • Safety: How many people do you know that have crashed a car? Now, how many people do you know that have crashed an airplane? My point exactly.
  • Theft: Have you played Grand Theft Auto? No. Ok, well the game's name makes my point. Grand Theft Auto - it's not that hard. Coupled with the Price complaint, this does not make a happy car owner.
Basically, when it comes down to it, i am human enough. I don't need my car to be moody too. I don't care if it is hungry or too hot. And i don't want it to get temperamental and lock me out. There are some redeeming qualities to cars, but i am out of time. So, you will have to think of those by yourself.

Next installment will be TJ Reviews...Toilets!

*Sorry, automobile industry. I heard you were having a hard time, but i just can't help you.
**Prudence, the bisexual girl from Across the Universe.